How To Cuddle Your Lady Right, by Smoove A

Miriam -

You are probably aware that Smoove A* is an authority on crustaceous love. Some have gone so far as to describe Smoove A as the authority on all multi-legged ladies. I am an amphipod (Gammara pulex), a microscopic crustacean that inhabits lakes and streams, and I cannot confirm or deny this report, I can only say that Smoove A has left more than one lady with her swimming legs all shaky and a brood pouch filled with eggs.

Smoove A is not one of those spawn-and-go aquatic invertebrates getting gametes every which way. Oh, no, I will carry around a lady until she molts and is ready to get down all day long. Cause the crustacean ladies, they are not ready for freakstasy until they drop their shell. Some might call this “precopulatory mate guarding.” I call it love.

Now some amphipod guys, who are not a master of love like Smoove, will say that precopulatory mate guarding is not required. That carrying a lady around until she is ready to molt is a waste of time and energy. That all guarding may be fine and good for an amphipod gentlemen who wants to commit to only one lady, but is not correct for a true lover such as Smoove. Would it not be better to get down with ALL the amphipod ladies, instead of waiting for just one to get ready?

Also, they will say, all this snuggling sometimes leads to the ladies getting eaten. Smoove cannot deny this, though I would never break your heart and your shell like that, ladies.

But Smoove is a master of guarding the ladies before getting down, and is please to see that his skills are confirmed by science. Smoove is a master of the science of love, and he is not afraid to say that her intermoult duration is reduced. Yes, the longer an amphipod lady is guarded, the less time she needs to get ready to molt & mate the next time.

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